These are the dykes of our lives

10:55am: So I am sitting here trying to write a thoughtful and wonderful final entry. Everything that comes to mind is cheesy and lame. I spent yesterday reading all my past entires. I have had this journal for around 3 years it looks like. Maybe longer. During those years I have gone through many trials and tribulations. Through it all a very select few of you have stuck by me. Haven't let anything I say or do colour how you think of me.

Actualy this pains me. I have never been wiling to comprimise my space. The fact that I have in the past year or so just shows me how much I had lost myself. In the process to re claim myself this journal has become a casualty. For a long time I thought I would salvage it by simply deleting the "friends" whose entries hurt me, but removing myself from communities where they posted. That though is the same thing, it's comprimising. It's an extreme. So I figured that as long as I was going to extremes I might as well just delete this and make a new one.

So there you have it a fresh start. No more reading his posts that rip me from the bottom of my gut up through my throat out through my mouth in through my nose then like an earthquake fault in my brain. No more reading how much it hurts him to lose her.....yet not one single thing said about losing me. No more reading how less then a month after me he is back to being so in love with her that I am a fading distant memory. It's more then enough that I am there for him to talk to about his life. It kills me just to do that much, but it is what he had done for me before all this, and it is what a friend does, I would rather have him talk to me then do the other things he wants to do to himself.

Goes to show you that some things never change. I am always interchangeable. Once I am gone there is always somebody right around the corner they would rather have. They will always come back to me as the trusted friend, confidant and shoulder to cry on. I am not worth more then that to anybody in the end. Which will not change as long as I am sugarsweetboi here. I need to delete the push over that owns this journal. At least as the other one I won't add him so he can't read what is going on in my life, and I don't have to experience reading whats in his. A clean break I guess. Which is good, I have A LOT I want to be able to say about my life. It's DYING to spill out. Finaly it can and will, safely. No threat of backlash.

I will however miss the friends I have on my list. A couple days ago I made a point of adding you to my other journal. Most of you have eithier not read my entries or have opted out of being on the other friends list. So I guess this change let me know who the real friends are. I will admit to not being a person that comments a lot on others journals, but I do read them daily. All of them, no matter how long. Which will not change. I will leave this entry up until about noon my time tomorrow. By then everybody that will read it will have had a chance to do so. All that being said....

Thank you to all of you who have read my journal. Once or daily. Thank you for the comments, both supportive and hurtful. Thank you for being a part of my life in whatever way you have been. Even if I haven't always agreed with you, or even liked you...I have been greatful for the contribution to my life and who I am that you have been. I want you to know that you will be missed, and never forgotten.

Goodbye and always remember my Suggiisms

Power come from within, take control

2:39am: I forgot to mention
That upon certain situations cropping up in my life a certain qoute and theory becomes apparent. Not about me, because I constantly try and learn from the things that happen in my life. Be them good or bad, each is a new lesson. Not always welcome, but a lesson just the same.

So without further ado something for all of you to chew on as one of my last entires in this journal

The defination of insanity is repeating the same thing or pattern continualy expecting different results.

11:57pm: The time has come
So I have come to a sad conclusion. This journal has outlived it's usefulness. As a matter of fact it has done little more then cause me pain lately. So in order to nip this problem in the bud I have made a decision.

Within the week I will be deleting this journal. For those of you that I have added to the other journal, please refer to that for future entries. If you have not been added to that one, I have my reasons. I will not bother explaning them. Nor do I feel that I have to. For the few of you that I missed you will be added during the week, but I am looking at the list and I don't think I did miss anyone. As a matter of fact just click on 1boigamewhore to see if you are on the list. That is the final list. I don't see a reason to change it.

This really does sadden me. The reason it will take me a few days is becuase I want to take all my entries and save them to disk. Some of the comments to, not many. But mostly I just don't want to lose the past few years memories on a whim. 

Wow....for some reason the reality  is just not clicking. I am in shock that it has come to this. That I can't read some of my friends entries becuase they hurt. That I have had to remove myself from communities for the same reason. That I have to edit and or redirect people to another journal to read what I have going on or to say. 

This is sposed to be *MY* space, yet it seems that I have once again resorted to pleasing others here. Which I refuse to do in *MY* space. Since that seems to keep dredging up drama and issues for me I figure deleting this entire journal should fix it. 

I am basicaly tucking my tail between my legs and running to solve the problem. Which in some ways is more then likely what more then one of you has wanted, whether they admit it or not. You get what you want. I don't really think it's worth fighting for it. Not when I can just create a new one and leave you out of it. Leave those of you who can't handle reading about yourself out of reading anything.

9:37pm: hope this works

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

I scored an average of 5.1

0

1

2

3

4

5

6

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

Meaning

This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:

0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Summary

The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.

Take the quiz

10:23pm: That there is a a mole. So all entries in this blog/journal will from now on be diary only. If you need or want to see them you will have to email me a request. If you don't that is fine.

Those of you added to 1boigamewhore will not be affected by this.

I want to thank all of you who respect my right to privacy despite the public posting of my thoughts, emtions, choices, trial and tribulations. All will return to normal as soon as I find the mole.

9:10pm: I tried fixing the titanic with duct tape
You know I shouldn't but I have to get it off my chest and out of my head.

You know he pined away for somebody that wasn't in love with him for more then a month. Yet here I am, somebody he once proposed to, somebody that is madly fucking in love with him....and 3 days later he has moved on. Hell I didn't even get a week. Shows what a worthless piece of shit I am huh?

So maybe I am stupid. OK I KNOW I am stupid. Stupid becuase I still had that tiny glimmer of hope. Hope that he would have some time to think on things. To look at himself, and his role in all this and see it from my point of view. See that I DID see it from HIS point of view. See that I was trying, that I tried harder with him then anybody else in my life. That I couldn't do any more then I did. But that he could have done SO much more. See that unlike his past lovers, I wasn't giving up on him. Unlike them I wanted to make the world a better place for him. That I had been secretly researching apts, jobs, and other costs of moving up there to be with him. Trying to save it as a surprise for when I went to visit him.

I was holding out hope that he would see all this and more that I can't seem to figure out how to express here. That he would see all of it, pulls his head of his own ass. That he would decide once and for all that he was willing to do ANYTHING to be with me. Like I had been doing for him for months. That what I was asking for IS NOT all that much. It is really what EVERYBODY wants and expects. That he gave it to me at first so he should be able to always. I mean if he REALLY did love me, that is what WOULD have happened. Not moving on from me in 3 days.

The really sad thing is that I now know that if he had figured all that out.....despite all I have said over the past few days.....I would have taken him back in a split second. Would have tried again.

My gawdess what a fucking worthless, ugly, stupid, unlovable moron am I?

12:34pm: Guess who moved on already
Guess who is dreaming with thoughts so sweet.....we broke up satruday and ALREADY he is with somebody else! Cuz you know he aint dreaming of me! I saw the comment from I b normal in your lj I aint stupid! You dont fuckin love me! You ALREADY have somebody else!

Fuck this its torn......no fucking friendship! You come seek me when you are ready to be the man that even you said I need and deserve! Until then pretend I don't fucking exist. Cuz lemme tell you if you could move from me in 3 fucking days, you really didn't love me! How the fuck long has this been going on? Is she why you didnt want to tell on you lj we were together? Is she why you haven't had time for me? Cuz lemme tell you a LOT of questions are SO answered now.

7:16am: Why does it hurt more with each moment that passes? (public entry)
I hate letting go. I don't want to let go. I want things to be how they were at first. How they were for that few days before they came. How he promised me they would be. for him to hold me in his arms. For me to hold him in mine. For him to get on bended knee and propose to me, for me to say and for us to live ever after out together. For him to not take me for granted. To appreaciate an dlove me the way he did at first. The way he did all his other g/f's. No matter how badly they treated him. I want to sit at the airport so nervous I am shaking, to have him see me and our eyes meet. To spend hours on end on the phone. I want for him and things to never have changed. I want for once to be the person that somebody treats the way they always claim they want to treat somebody, the way they want to be treated. I want the phone to ring, and for it be him on the other end, happy just to hear my voice again.

I want my heart to stop hurting. I want to stop crying. I want to be happy again. I want to be loved. To be wanted. To be somebodies dream boi. I want for once not to be the one they break up with, to get with somebody down the line and treat them how they promised to treat me. I want for once not to be the friend after a break up. To not have to watch them fall for somebody else. To not have to hear and be told how they have never felt this way for somebody before.  FOR ONCE I WANT TO BE THAT WOMAN! 

Once again I am faced with having to decide to be somebodies friend or not. How can I be a friend when I am still in love? Did I learn nothing from everything with Kim? Everytime she comes back into my life I am torn up for weeks. My heart starts aching again. She woke up feelings in me I never thought I could have. Both godo and bad. Once again I am in that position. Can I handle a lifetime of feeling that way? Can I handle 2 people in my life that I am not able to get completly over? Can I handle watching him move on to greener pastures to?

As usual, what I want is neithier here nor there. What I want is a mute point. What I want is to much to ask.

7:47am: Seems incomplete but appropriate
Intice the mind

Encourage the soul

Massage the spirit

Worship the individual

Reassure yourself

Repeat it all

Baby the heart

Be steadfast in love,

Respect Oneself

Respect ones partner

Never lose patience

Never waver your desire

Never lose your partners trust

Never lose trust in your partner

Never lose site of your goals

Never lose site of your partners goals

Never lose site of your mutual goals

Wake up thinking of your partner and how to make them happy

Your next thought is of you and if you are happy

Repeat throught the day

Repeat as you fall asleep

Never stop cuddling

Never stop kissing

Never stop holding hands

Always exchange knowing glances

Always keep the romance alive

Always remember important dates

Always be there

Hold your partner after a nightmare

Take care of your partner when they are ill

Remember your partners fav foods

Listen to your partners stories each time as if it were the first you heard it.

In short....It's the little things that make the biggest differance.

Love with every breath, with every thought, with every movement.


All these things seem so much, they add up and they can be daunting. Nothing pays off like love. Love is one of the few things that never goes away. No matter what happens, each person you have ever loved holds a tiny piece of your heart. Your life and who you are is a little different for having known them. You have had the same influence on other people. It is this that you should remember with every breath.


That being said, I am hoping to have the chance to do all of the above very soon, and forever if I can find somebody willing, able and right for me to do it all with.


Any volunteers? I am taking applications!

1:18am: Stolen from myspace for it being so right (even a publc entry 1st in months)
I commit myself to being honest with myself & others today.
I deserve honesty as my way of life today & every day. In the past I did not feel safe enough to tell things as they were or even to see things as they were. This deprived me of closeness with myself. I needed to cover for others to protect them. I no longer need to do that. In fact, my growth is in direct proportion to how honest I am. My first responsibility is to speak up about my needs & feelings, even when I fear that doing so will affect others. I will not be oblivious to how I affect others, but neither will I try to alter myself by anticipating their responses.
When I make my feelings secret, the one I hurt first & most is me. For how can I see clearly while hiding certain aspects of myself? Remaining as true as possible to myself each day builds my self-esteem & lets me feel right with myself

12:17am: Wixked great debate stolen from another site
GAWDESS I LOVE TECHONODYKE.COM! You should ALL flock to it in great numbers! I am sweetboi on there. Now on with the show!

since technically humans are animals, (unless all the lesbians want to be cannibals), then how can you be a vegan?"

According to this friend, going down on girls counts as an animal by-product.

I said I didn't think it did.

Care to discuss?

11:17am: Humour me would ya
1. Tell me something obvious about you.
2. Tell me something about you that many don't know.
3. What is your biggest fear?
4. Do you normally go the safe route or take the short cut?
5. Name one thing you want that you can't buy with money.
6. What is your most treasured possession?
7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do often?
8. Tell me something sexually about you that I don't know.
9. Tell me something sexually about you that everyone knows.
10. What is your favorite lie to tell?
11. Name something you've done once that you can't wait to do again.
12. Are you the jealous type?
13. What is the one person, place or thing you can't say no to?
14. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
16. When was the last time you cried?
17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
18. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?
19. Name something embarrassing you did while being drunk.
20. If you post this in your journal would you like me to answer it?

7:22pm: I LOVE TD! Stolen from Sho Nuff on there
http://www.smithappens.com/video_dogvagina.php

Watch the video...it speaks for itself...

Later days!

8:10pm: *dorkyhappy dance*
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

DID I MENTION YES?

I WON A FREE MOVIE TICKET ON BLINGO!!!!!!!!!

FINALY! Someting going RIGHT for me!

YEAH BABY!!!!!!!!

Back to your reguraly scheduled program.......

6:36pm: Sadly enough I could add some to this list from personal experience
A lot has been said about how to prevent rape.
Women should learn self-defense. Women should lock themselves in their houses after dark. Women shouldn't have long hair and women shouldn't wear short skirts. Women shouldn't leave drinks unattended. Fuck, they shouldn't dare to get drunk at all. And if they do, they have no case if they are raped while incapable of making a reasoned decision.

instead of that bullshit, how about:

if a woman is drunk, don't rape her.
if a woman is walking alone at night, don't rape her.
if a women is drugged and unconscious, don't rape her.
if a woman is wearing a short skirt, don't rape her.
if a woman is jogging in a park at 5 am, don't rape her.
if a woman looks like your ex-girlfriend you're still hung up on, don't rape her.
if a woman is asleep in her bed, don't rape her.
if a woman is asleep in your bed, don't rape her.
if a woman is doing her laundry, don't rape her.
if a woman is in a coma, don't rape her.
if a woman changes her mind in the middle of or about a particular activity, don't rape her.
if a woman has repeatedly refused a certain activity, don't rape her.

if a woman is not yet a woman, but a child, don't rape her.
if your girlfriend or wife is not in the mood, don't rape her.
if your step-daughter is watching tv, don't rape her.
if you break into a house and find a woman there, don't rape her.
if your friend thinks it's okay to rape someone, tell him it's not, and that he's not your friend.

if your "friend" tells you he raped someone, report him to the police.
if your frat-brother or another guy at the party tells you there's an unconscious woman upstairs and it's your turn, don't rape her, call the police and tell the guy he's a rapist.

tell your sons, god-sons, nephews, grandsons, sons of friends it's not okay to rape someone.

don't tell your women friends how to be safe and avoid rape.
don't imply that she could have avoided it if she'd only done/not done x.
don't imply that it's in any way her fault.
don't let silence imply agreement when someone tells you he "got some" with the drunk girl.
don't perpetuate a culture that tells you that you have no control over or responsibility for your actions. You can, too, help yourself.

If you agree, repost it. It's that important.

3:36pm: I aint telling who it is
If there is one person you can't stop thinking about, post this same exact sentence in your journal.

3:34pm: oh so bored bored bored
<td align="center">Intelligence


Intelligence is most important in a boyfriend/girlfriend. You like to be able to talk about everything that is on your mind, and if your partner can't keep up, well, you know. You are very attracted to someone who can challenge you, and make you see things in a whole new way.


Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

3:30pm: bored bored bored

You fit in with: Humanism Your ideals mostly resemble that of a Humanist. Although you do not have a lot of faith, you are devoted to making this world better, in the short time that you have to live. Humanists do not generally believe in an afterlife, and therefore, are committed to making the world a better place for themselves and future generations. 20% scientific. 40% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

6:01pm: it's been a week
Since I got kicked out in the middle of the night. Everyday I feel better. Not just physicaly. Mentaly and emtionaly as well.

Having a relazing weekend. Enjoying something I always took for granted before. Something so very simple it's funny that I relish it so much now. What is it? It's watching whatever *I* want on t.v. Not having to ask somebody what they prefer, or sit through some loud space movie with bad visual effects, cheesy acting and way to much hype. Which is really what makes a cult classic, which it is. I can see why it is, it just isn't my style. Never has been, never will be. The fact that I was thought less of for it not being my style is really kind of insulting.

At any rate, no big plans tomorrow. On monday it's kicking the job search back into high gear. I want out of here as soon as possible.

Off to finish watching Crazy in Alabama under the covers with my Sugar Free lemonade and spicy pork rinds...gotta love Atkins

11:03am: So dunno bout anybody else here but.....
But my turkey day rocked. My cousin came out with his wife and baby. My brother cooked the meal. My mom took the night off for the first time in years. Randy came and seemed to really relax and enjoy himself. Kris came with Randy, we had hours of game playing fun. She managed to stay awake remarkebly long concidering she worked the night before and hadn't slept yet.

My stupid coldis almost gone finaly. I was a little drained but nothing like before. It was all around a nice and relaxing holiday.

A lot of the reason it was so great was the company. It was wonderful to have the house full of people even if it was for just a little while. The walls vibrating with laughter. Embarrassing childhood stoires being told. A belly full of turkey goodness. Which btw I have been mostly sticking to my diet, it hasn't been easy but I have been managing. I admit to having to many carbs technicaly, but not more then 60 a day, which seems like a TON to me and my poor tummy now.

The only down side was not having Bryan around. I am trying to take a break and be a better person before I try and see him reguraly again. I learned a lot from this past few months. Mostly that I need to be on my own 2 feet and alone when I spend time with him.

Another factor in how great my holiday was my mindset. I have had a ton of tome to think this week. Mostly becuase I haven't been online much unless it was email, blog or job hunting. (Careerbuilder.com is my new best bud) Also been spending time with my big brother. Which has been nice, we have both grown up some.

So here it is. Sure the situation sucks. Sure I could make it a huge dramatic thing.Things could be a lot worse for me. I have a lot to be thankful for. Not to mention that it looks like with a little hard work I will come out of this better off then I would have been had I stayed in the situation, and certainly better off then I was before it.

Bottom line is that things could be worse. I got out of the situation relativly quickly. I learned a lot of lessons. How I deal with this, and where I go from here are all on me. I know what my plan is, I know who my real friends are, I know how to turn straw into gold.....gonna be rich in life baby

Just found out that they are scurrying like rats. After telling Randy for days that they are staying. They see nothing wrong with the fact that Randy may lose his house. That Tom hasn't paid bills for about 2 months (mebbe 1 I could be wrong) so even if he does keep his house everything will be shut off. Nothing wrong with the fact that Tom has spent a week trying to defame me. He has been slandering me to anybody and everybody that will listen. Now I may not mind that they hooked up. Really, that is fine as long as they make each other happy. But you have to admit that they could have waited 24 hours, hell at least 2 hours. They have spent a week defending themselves, actions, and choices. If you aren't doing anything wrong, you have no reason to defend yourself. There is NO WAY I am innocent in this situation, I would never imply or think that I am. But what I have at least managed to do, is let them, their actions, and accusations....speak for themselves. I have totaly let people believe and trust who they want, for whatever reasons they choose to. If anybody takes their word over mine, then that is their choice. I have no way of proving my side, nor do I want to against the onslaught of allegations.

P.S. Gimme a call later Kris (Albi)

3:54pm: Happy turkey day
http://www.yahoo.americangreetings.com/view.pd?i=168865253&m=7139&rr=y&source=yahoo999

http://www.flowgo.com/index.cfm?action=view&id=12578

10:26am: mmm birthday goodness
I woke up this am a bit worried bout my friend Kris. But all is well and Good. Got a bad call from Jay, guess who is moving in now.

Ok enough of that dribble. Now it's time to brag.

Tom made me a KICK ASS breakfast! Eggs, sausage, cresents, fruit, sweet rolls with orange icing man I hope i didn't forget anything....I am STUFFED STUFFED I TELL YOU!

Then he gave me my gifts.....AMAZING! He got me my own MUG! It's better then it sounds....it's a MONOPOLY mug! Cuz I LOVE LOVE LOVE board games! Plus I didn't have my own mug to drink tea from at night or in the am and now I DO! *happy dance* Then the other gift, he must have run himself ragged trying to find it....a WHITE TIGER FAMILY FIGURINE!!!!!! White Tigers are my FAVE animal EVER! They are also fucking impossible to find thiings of. So there is a Daddy Tiger roaring, a mama Tiger looking and the baby tiger who is crawling on her...IT' SO FUCKING CUTE! Then he gave me this kick ass bulldog dressed as a artist type that says on the front "Diet? FUGEABOUTIT" ROFLMAO!!!!!

Next Tom had to go to work and check on Billy later so he dropped me off here at my moms. Where I was pressed to call my brother becuase he has been calling her for 3 days to make sure he got to say happy birthday to me on time. Which is not like him, I think this is the first time he has even membered my birthday in a good 15 years or more.

A few mins ago fuzz called, she and her mom sang me happy bday on the phone....IT WAS AWESOME! She is gonna come do lunch at the Puerto Rican Restaurant with us, then thanksgiving shopping, then we will hang out and be dorks as is our way.

Right now I am tinkering on my moms puter. She doesn't do updates or scans, or defrags, she waits for me or Tom to come do it for her. I got King and Shea in the room with me chewing on rawhide and looking as fucking cute as can be!

Ok I am off to finish the updating of moms puter. I just wanted to brag some. Thanks to all of you that have been wishing me a happy bday over the past few days btw! So far this is the best birthday I have ever had. Tom REALLY came through and made it amazing, he has NO idea!

7:52pm: Stop the world I wanna get off
Hours till I hit 30.

It won't be my ideal birthday. But it will be better then many I have haf. I will hang with my mom, then fuzz, then I dunno home to the usual routine. I am still hoping it rains, that is what I look forward to the most on my birthday. It's comforting for some reason.

Dog is drinking my kool aid the lil fucker.

So I am sitting here in my early bday gift, a pair of white tiger slippers....Tom got em for me cuz I was all giddy and jumpy in the store when I saw them. It was the first and only time he has seen that side of me. They are warm, comfy and cute as all get out.

Ok now dog stole the paper towel I was using for a snot rag and took off. My kitten is a dork lol


My day today: Cleaning litter box, Cleaning the kitchen table, cleaning the counters in the kitchen, Making the bed, Putting extra stuff in our room in the garage (some of it anyway), Feeding the zoo, Making Kris vacum, Getting the rats fresh water, making the weekly shopping list, 3 loads of laundry washed dried hung up folded and put away, Doing the dishes left from last night and today and in a few minutes making an Atkins style meal, then doing the dishes before I go to bed.

Tom made a huge effort to make my birthday as speacial as he could even though he will be working. Everything he has planned is way better then I have expereinced in the past. So I will stop being a baby and get over the fact he is working. What he did and planned comes from the heart, which is better then anything monetary he could give me.

2:21pm: He loves and misses them. He longs for them. He says he loves me. I want to work through things. But it looks and feels like he will never get over or past them enough to ever be truly happy and content with the life we were working so hard to build.

He waited on them hand and foot. He cooked, he cleaned he did everything they asked or tought of. They made him out to sound like a lazy scumbag, which we all know he isn't. Tina berrated him constantly. He couldn't do anything right. All I have heard are negatives. Which I know better then to take as a way to know her, she had to have good points something about her he fell in love with.

The difference between her and I has become apparent. I am to him, what he was to her in a lot of ways. I cook, I clean (not on his level I admit), I pick up lil star wars things I think he will like with my spare few dollars here and there. I love his body, his eyes, his sense of humour. And so much more. But nothing I do is good enough, fast enough, or I don't read his mind well enough.

HE doesn't make me misreable. The impossible situation does. Stress over money, and a bad living situation makes an already difficult (although very much worthwhile) relationship even more so. I keep telling myself it will work out. We just need to be patient and work on things. I can't even fathom what to do, or where to start, to work on things. I don't have all the answers. I don't really have any. I know where my heart lies, and what I want. But it takes both of us.

8:46pm: Not what I was going to write about I guess
This was going to be this entry all about how I lost so much weight that I am now in 2x....LOOSE! I was at 3x a few weeks ago....I was real stoked about that.

Funny how a few paragraphs changes that. Nothing I can do about it though. I went to a vigil last night. It was sad and somber somehow combined for me. I kind of ended up feeling like I was saying goodbye to my father. But to be honest I think every service for a persons death will be that way for a long time to come. The guy looked so happy in the familt picture by the casket. Everybody there was saying sweet things about him. It was somehow comforting to me that so many people came to grieve and shower their love and support for the family. I was and felt like a quiet observer, and if need be support for Tom.

I start my job at Target tomorrow. I am stoked about that. Not looking forward to how much I will hurt from the standing for awhile. But it will be worthwhile.

Already started xmas plotting. I should be able to afford things out of my own money this year. That has me way stoked.

Well dinner is ready, I am gonna go ahead and set the table so I can serve it.